Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
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Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.