My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!