Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
also my go-to takeaway order
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.