The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
You Might Also Like
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.