HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You Might Also Like
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Always
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I think I’m having a stroke
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I bet
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky