To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
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“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
black phone good
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.