Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
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Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent