I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year