Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
6. me as a lawyer