Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My neck, my back, my…
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Godspeed, John Glenn
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*