Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart