Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
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5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
hackers play passwordle
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Mornin
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?