Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
the prophecies have been fulfilled
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
It’s the weekend y’all
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
all that yoga finally paid off
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.