I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
You Might Also Like
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle