When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Very problematic
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
What a website
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.