It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
black phone good
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank