Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.