One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
twitter users today:
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.