Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
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A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?