Canada has crack?
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aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils