People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
#CatsOnTwitter
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.