Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I saw nothing
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.