I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
me working on my assignments ^-^
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
is this how new cars are made??
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.