I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin