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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes