How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
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Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.