Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst