Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
There are usually two types of merchants.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
me and my fake scenarios
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles