Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Never be a pizza!
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*