When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
When you try jalapeños for the first time
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS