Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
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[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
it is time once again
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others