“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
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sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I’m confused about plants
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no