My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
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‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Happy Thanksgiving
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”