You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I can’t stop watching this.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Oh deer
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere