When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice