*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts