I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
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If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
#TopTip
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot