haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
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new year update: losing everything but weight
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I put the h in mysterious.