Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
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I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
broke down and did it
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Art by Pastelkatto
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”