Jesus Christ lmao
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I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
BRO LMFAO
I think we should hear other voices.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
best first i’ve ever seen
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)