I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Please do it!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing