They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
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Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
The hardest thing Vision has to do
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Personal question. #JustSaying
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out