My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???