USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
You Might Also Like
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Accurate
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that