“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I gave up going to work for lent.
iPhone X
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.