I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
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Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Always 🥴
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Stonehinge
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.