Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl