Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?