“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss: