If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?